What Was I Thinking?

I'd known him practically all of my life. Our families had known each other for literally generations. He was three years older. I was a kid, probably 14 or 15 years old, when he was working at Kroger after school. My mom and I would see him every Saturday when we went grocery shopping. He'd always have that big smile on his face. He was tall and lanky. One day my mom said, "Buddy sure is a friendly young man". I said, "Yeah". . . . . but, what was I thinking? I was thinking, "...and he's really cute too!".

-------- Fast forward a few years, June 1979: The previous two years had been extremely life-changing for me. A two-year relationship had ended badly. As a naive young girl, I'd given into temptation and had become pregnant. The one who had pledged his devotion to me and had told me for two years how much he loved me had shown his true colors when I told him about the baby. A few weeks afterwards, his mom called me and was very upset. He was gone. She'd just found out he had joined the Navy and he had left that morning. He'd kept this a secret for weeks. I had quit college, gotten a full-time job, and was planning for our life together. I had a furnished apartment and was preparing to get married soon. To hear this news from his mom felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I was devastated. What was I thinking? Initially, I was thinking, "My life is over. I have no future". Once I finally grasped what had happened, I knew I had to change my way of thinking. My new way of thinking: "This is the bed I've made. Now I've got to lie in it. I have to focus on my baby, my innocent baby who didn't ask for this". I remember very clearly the day I determined in my mind that I would never allow myself to be hurt like this again. I would be a single mom the rest of my life and that's just the way it was. I'd just take it one day at a time and jump the hurdles of life as they presented themselves in the future. And, even though I was barely 18 years old, I knew I had many hardships ahead of me, because of the bad choices I'd made. I couldn't go through my life blaming someone else. I had to take responsibility for my own future and take care of my baby the best I could. The plans I'd made for myself had been squashed. I'd always planned to become a teacher, but I had no choice except to quit college and start working full-time. It was no longer just about me and my plans for myself. I had a baby to think about now. . . . Months went by. I had a baby girl and I was taking it one day at a time. . .


......My baby girl, Kristi Elise, had just turned one year old. I rushed to Kroger after work, anxious to get home and spend time with her. I was fumbling through my purse as I walked in the door and bumped into someone. As I was apologizing, I looked up and saw it was Buddy Martin - with that contagious smile of his. I was thinking, "Where the heck has he been all of these years?" So . . . . I asked, "Where the heck have you been all of these years?" He told me about being in the Navy for four years and he'd just gotten back home. We chit-chatted for a couple of minutes. I told him I was in a hurry, but it was good to see him. I made my purchases and as I was putting my things in the car, a blue Chevy pulled up beside me and someone said, "Hey, Susan!" It was Buddy, grinning from ear to ear. He said, "I was just curious where you work because you're wearing that lab coat". I told him and we chit-chatted another couple of minutes. I told him I really needed to get home and he said, "I don't see a ring on your finger . . . . " I was thinking, "I know where this is going and I've been burned one too many times to let a good-looking smooth-talking guy get to me again". I said, "Nope, you don't see a ring on my finger". He said, "I can't believe someone hasn't swooped you up and put a ring on your finger!" I was thinking, "Oh, you're really smooth, just like every other guy on the planet". He went on to tell me he'd really like to take me out sometime, "just to catch up". I told him I was really busy and didn't have time for a social life. He said, "Can I just call you sometime?" I was thinking, "You're a persistent character". But then, I let my guard down and looked at him again - Those brown eyes of his looked so innocent. He reminded me of a puppy dog who just needed a friend to talk to. So, I said, "Okay, call me".

Well, he called. We went out. What was I thinking on that first date? I was thinking, "I can't believe I feel so comfortable and so relaxed, but I can't let my guard down. He's a guy and guys cannot be trusted". The date ended. I went home and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I enjoyed spending that evening with Buddy. I hadn't had that much fun in a very long time. He made me laugh. I hadn't really laughed in probably two years. For a couple of hours, Buddy had taken me away from my reality. That night, as I held my baby girl, I thought, "What am I thinking?" I didn't even know if he'd been home from the Navy long enough to hear about me having a baby. I assumed he hadn't or he would've never called me in the first place. As I watched my baby sleeping, I thought, "If he does call me again, I'll tell him and that'll be the end of that." Not only could I not imagine a guy who was raised in a Christian home with strong morals being seriously interested in an unwed mother who had disgraced her family and whose future was completely up in the air, but I also would not allow myself to even consider that he would still be interested if he knew about the mess I'd made of my life. I had to protect myself from being hurt again and I was just going to nip it in the bud before it had a chance to go any further. I was convinced that once he found out about my baby, I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore anyway: It would end before it ever started.

The next afternoon while I was at work, Buddy came by to see me. My heart dropped. I was beginning to like him and I knew nothing could ever come of it and I had to end it right then. Buddy was in-between his two jobs at Soundcraft and Kroger and said he'd just wanted to pop in and see me for a minute. I could hardly get a word in edgewise. He was telling me about a bluegrass festival he wanted to take me to the next evening, when I blurted out, "I have a baby!". Well, you could've heard a pin drop . . . . complete quiet for what seemed like 20 minutes. He obviously hadn't heard about this and was caught completely off guard. As I watched Buddy mulling this surprising news over, my nervousness and feeling of heaviness began to transform into acceptance. I was thinking, "This is exactly what I expected and it's okay. I can go back to life as usual before that day in Kroger when I literally ran into Buddy". That way of thinking had become my "comfort zone" and I was ready to dig into that frame of mind again, once and for all.
After an eternity of silence, Buddy looked at me and said, "Boy or girl?" I was thinking, "This I can talk about, my baby girl. We can have a little conversation about her and I'll help him bow out of this gracefully without making him feel like a jerk".

We talked about my little Kristi and I told him how she'd just had her first birthday. We'd talk a minute and then Buddy would start thinking again . . . . quietly pondering things over. I told him I appreciated him coming by, but I really had to get back to work and thanks again for the movie the night before. I was thinking, "It should be easy now for him to make a quick exit and get out of this obviously awkward situation". But, as I turned to go back into the office, he said, "Hey, wait a minute . . . . when can I meet Kristi?" I can still see him standing there, looking at me with those puppy dog eyes and that big ole grin on his face. And that was the moment my broken heart began to mend. I knew I had to let go of the past and not judge every guy by the selfishness of one. I didn't know where this path would lead, but I couldn't keep shutting myself off from the world like I'd been doing. I had a feeling there was something different about Buddy Martin, and I had to give him the benefit of the doubt or I might regret it for the rest of my life.

That very next day, Buddy was to meet Kristi. I was thinking, "This will be the ultimate test, how he and Kristi react to one another". Buddy walked in and I introduced him to Kristi. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous. I knew this had to be very awkward for him, but he didn't seem to be uncomfortable at all. And what happened next mended another huge part of my heart . . . . Kristi actually threw up her little arms wanting Buddy to pick her up! It was as if she'd known him from the beginning. He wasn't a stranger to her at all. It was unbelievable and I couldn't hold my tears back. I was thinking, "What just happened?" Buddy stayed for hours and played with Kristi. They bonded immediately. I remember watching them together and sometimes they would just stare at each other, with expressions of adoration on both their faces. I remember thinking, "What's going to be the outcome of this?"

We were inseparable from that day forward. A few months fled by. It became apparent to me that Buddy's family had great affection for Kristi as well. Buddy's dad and Kristi had a strong bond very quickly. He adored her and she obviously loved him. Mr. Martin put another patch on my heart the first time he referred to himself as "Kristi's Pappa". I remember thinking, "I don't know how this chapter in my life is going to end, but I'll always love this Martin family!"

On a sunny day in September, Buddy and I were watching Kristi play in her sandbox. He was unusually quiet. I felt the feelings of insecurity try to creep back in. I was just about to pull out my mask of strength and independence that I had hidden away a couple of months previously, when Buddy looked at me very seriously . . . . this time without the big grin. I was thinking, "Oh boy, here we go. Where'd his smile go? . . . He's always smiling . . . This can't be good. Time to toughen up and take the blow." He said, "You know, Kristi needs a daddy". This caught me by surprise and I said, in a defensive tone, "Welllll, a daddy for Kristi would be nice, but why would you say something like that?" I had my guard back up and I was ready for anything he was going to dish out. I was thinking, "He's probably heard the gossip from the busy bodies in the area who have nothing better to do than make up more outlandish rumors about the latest community scandal (me) and he's deciding to back off from this soap opera that is my life". I was preparing to conjure up the "tough / who needs you" attitude, when these words came out of Buddy's mouth: "I want to be her dad". . . . .

. . . . . . complete silence for a couple of minutes. I was thinking, "Huh?" So .... I said, "Huh????" He looked at me and stood up. I looked at him and I stood up. He looked at Kristi. I looked at Kristi. We looked at each other and I saw he had tears in his eyes. He took my hands in his and said, "I love you. I love Kristi. I want to marry you and be Kristi's dad". At that second, my heart was whole again. At that second, I began completely trusting again. At that second, I was thinking, "Is this really real?". I could not believe my ears and I think I was probably in a bit of shock. We had previously expressed that we cared about one another, but I hadn't dared allow myself to even consider the thought of marriage. I was completely swept off my feet by this sweet, heartfelt, warm proposal. Through my tears, I replied, "You'll be an awesome daddy to Kristi".

On November 10, 1979, I married the best friend I'd ever had. We stood before friends and family and made a vow to each other to love, honor, and cherish one another, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I'm not going to try to paint a picture of a perfect marriage. Ours has not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination. We've had lots of ups and downs over the past 31 years. We both had lots of adjustments to make, especially those first few years. We've both made mistakes. We are both very headstrong and can be extremely stubborn. We both had to learn to make compromises in lots of areas. He still drives me absolutely crazy sometimes when we disagree, and I'm sure he'd say the same thing about me. We've had some really frustrating arguments and there have been times I just wanted to throw up my hands. But, when it's all said and done, I always knew that God put us together and there's no one else in this world I'd rather have by my side.

To summarize, I'll just put it this way:
What was I thinking when Buddy placed this gold ring on my finger 31 years ago? I was thinking, "What did I ever do to deserve a man like this? Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus".

What am I thinking now, 31 years later? I'm thinking, "What did I ever do to deserve such a devoted, caring, hardworking, dedicated husband. Why did God bless me by sending Buddy my way and giving us two more awesome kids on top of that!?"

This I know: Buddy Martin has been my "knight in shining armor" for the past 31 years. Maybe that sounds "corny" to some people and that's okay. It might be a little corny, but it's exactly how I feel. That day in Kroger when he first started flirting with me and asked me if he could call me, I thought I caught a gleam of sincerity in his beautiful brown eyes. I'm so glad something deep in my heart let me know I should take a chance. Buddy has stood by my side, unflinchingly, for all these years. He has been my protector, my defender, my most trusted confidant, my encourager, my friend. So, no matter how corny it may sound, I'm going to keep saying it! When I look at Buddy Martin, I see a strong, handsome prince on a white horse who I know, without a doubt, will always be here for me and our family.

I've made the mistake of taking my Buddy for granted at times, but I always recall how it was before Buddy was in my life and how much he shows his love for me and for our family on a daily basis . . . . and I ask myself, "Seriously, what am I thinking?"

Susan Trafford Martin
November 4, 2010