I remember a game my girls played, especially at sleepovers with their friends. When asked a question, the girl could either choose truth and tell the truth about the question or choose dare because they didn't want to tell the truth. This morning I was reading the book of Luke. When I read Luke 12:48, it was like I was reading it for the first time. It's a very familiar verse, one I've heard preached on and have been taught all of my life.
" . . . . For everyone to whom much is given, of him shall much be required . . . . "
This verse has been quoted a lot during times of financial need or other times of need in a church setting, but this morning it was as if God was using this verse to show me where much is required of ME specifically. I fall short on a lot of things when it comes to serving my Lord and Savior, but this particular area was not to be ignored today. I know where I fall short, but I tend to make excuses for myself especially when it comes to the area of forgiveness. And, goodness gracious, we all know that's a biggie to God! This morning, as I was sitting on my back porch swing - reading The Word and relaxing - God obviously didn't intend for me to have a laidback, relaxing kind of devotional time on this particular morning. He had something to tell me and did He ever tell me! When I would try to move onto the next verse, I would be brought back to that portion of verse 48. . . . . "to whom much is given, shall much be required". Well, it finally soaked into my feeble brain. For me, God wasn't simply telling me to give more financially or to give more of my time to His work, etc., God was telling me in no uncertain terms to give more in terms of forgiveness. He wedged this thought so deep into the tiny recesses of my little brain that I cannot do anything else until I put this all on paper.
Truth or Dare: I chose Truth this morning, as I know better than to Dare to mess with God's Word and what He has very clearly revealed to me. Here's the shameful truth . . . . I struggle with forgiveness . . . . a lot. I have forgiven lots of people in my lifetime for various little indiscrepancies or hurts aimed in my direction. That's a fact. But, then there are those "more serious injustices" that have been bestowed on me that I have problems with letting go of. . . . . I've claimed to have forgiven those people, but when it comes down to the actual truth of the matter, I evidently didn't forgive them in my heart because the bitterness and disdain always seems to creep back in. I know if I truly have forgiven, I would have a different perspective on that person and wouldn't feel the animosity swelling up in me at the mere mention of the name.
So, that's my predicament and this is what God wants me to be much more charitable in . . . . forgiveness for all. He didn't say, "Susan, you should forgive the ones who lie to you or hurt your feelings or turn their backs on you, but I don't expect you to forgive those who have physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and tormented you in the past". I've argued with God so many times over the years - He surely couldn't expect me to forgive THAT person of THAT. . . . I think I've convinced myself that it was just too much of Him to expect. This morning, however, I could no longer ignore the fact that there are those who I must forgive, really forgive - not just in words but really forgive in my heart.
A few years ago I was advised by a very wise lady that I should pray every day for those who have caused me pain and those who have disappointed me in my life. She told me that each time I pray for those people, my heart will become softer and gentler toward those people. Well, I've done that with those who have committed "little trespasses" against me - and it works. It absolutely works. And. . . . honestly, I have tried praying for a couple of people who treated me in brutal and even criminal ways in years past, those who wreaked havoc in my very soul, but I can't seem to get the words out and I eventually just stop trying. It seems the disdain and contempt is always hiding way down deep and just the mere mention of a name or simply seeing them from a distance stirs it all up again until it begins to seep into my thoughts and I'm reminded of horrible things. I know that's Satan. I know Satan gets a thrill every time I allow that to happen. I know it saddens my Lord when I allow that to happen. It's just the most difficult obstacle in my Christian life I've ever had to deal with and I want to get past this. I really want to forgive and let go of my past. I want to be able to hear the name/names or see the person/persons without letting those gut-wrenching emotions build up again. God knows that and He's tried to help me overcome this for years, but I -for this reason and that reason and every other reason I can concoct- have refused to let Him take control of this stumbling block in my life. I know whatever I do for the Lord is useless, it's trash, without forgiveness for each and every person who has hurt me. I have to admit that those acts committed against me were no worse than sins I have committed against God in the past. My sins were so ugly and I was held so tightly in Satan's grasp at one point in my life, but Jesus Christ still forgave me. Every time I sin, I know I can run back to Him and His arms are open wide, ready to embrace me. His forgiveness is supernatural, yes. I am human, oh my yes. But, through Christ, we can have supernatural love and forgiveness for one another that can come only through trusting in Him. We can't do it through our humanness. . . . . but we can do it through Him. . . . . "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 . . . . How can we love if we don't forgive?
Today I begin the road to forgiveness. It might be a long trip, but I'm no longer going to argue with God and make excuses. I Am His and He Is Mine and through Him I can accomplish the previously-perceived "unimaginable" task of forgiving all. I'm so looking forward to the day when my heart can start softening toward those who I've held bitterness and anger against for so long. It will happen, He has promised. I just have to do my part and allow it to happen. With God in control, it's as much as accomplished already! I've given it to God and I will stay in closer communication with Him so I won't be tempted to take it back. I won't allow Satan to put thoughts into my head that will cause me to take a wrong turn and go backwards. Jesus is in control - Satan, you have no choice but to leave me alone! God has not suggested that I forgive, He hasn't "dared" me to forgive . . . . He has boldly and justly and lovingly ordered me to forgive. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT! Period.
