Truth or Dare . . . .

I remember a game my girls played, especially at sleepovers with their friends. When asked a question, the girl could either choose truth and tell the truth about the question or choose dare because they didn't want to tell the truth. This morning I was reading the book of Luke. When I read Luke 12:48, it was like I was reading it for the first time. It's a very familiar verse, one I've heard preached on and have been taught all of my life.
 " . . . . For everyone to whom much is given, of him shall much be required . . . . "
This verse has been quoted a lot during times of financial need or other times of need in a church setting, but this morning it was as if God was using this verse to show me where much is required of ME specifically. I fall short on a lot of things when it comes to serving my Lord and Savior, but this particular area was not to be ignored today. I know where I fall short, but I tend to make excuses for myself especially when it comes to the area of forgiveness. And, goodness gracious, we all know that's a biggie to God! This morning, as I was sitting on my back porch swing - reading The Word and relaxing - God obviously didn't intend for me to have a laidback, relaxing kind of devotional time on this particular morning. He had something to tell me and did He ever tell me! When I would try to move onto the next verse, I would be brought back to that portion of verse 48. . . . . "to whom much is given, shall much be required". Well, it finally soaked into my feeble brain. For me, God wasn't simply telling me to give more financially or to give more of my time to His work, etc., God was telling me in no uncertain terms to give more in terms of forgiveness. He wedged this thought so deep into the tiny recesses of my little brain that I cannot do anything else until I put this all on paper.

Truth or Dare: I chose Truth this morning, as I know better than to Dare to mess with God's Word and what He has very clearly revealed to me. Here's the shameful truth . . . . I struggle with forgiveness . . . . a lot. I have forgiven lots of people in my lifetime for various little indiscrepancies or hurts aimed in my direction. That's a fact. But, then there are those "more serious injustices" that have been bestowed on me that I have problems with letting go of. . . . . I've claimed to have forgiven those people, but when it comes down to the actual truth of the matter, I evidently didn't forgive them in my heart because the bitterness and disdain always seems to creep back in. I know if I truly have forgiven, I would have a different perspective on that person and wouldn't feel the animosity swelling up in me at the mere mention of the name.

So, that's my predicament and this is what God wants me to be much more charitable in . . . . forgiveness for all. He didn't say, "Susan, you should forgive the ones who lie to you or hurt your feelings or turn their backs on you, but I don't expect you to forgive those who have physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and tormented you in the past". I've argued with God so many times over the years - He surely couldn't expect me to forgive THAT person of THAT. . . . I think I've convinced myself that it was just too much of Him to expect. This morning, however, I could no longer ignore the fact that there are those who I must forgive, really forgive - not just in words but really forgive in my heart.

A few years ago I was advised by a very wise lady that I should pray every day for those who have caused me pain and those who have disappointed me in my life. She told me that each time I pray for those people, my heart will become softer and gentler toward those people. Well, I've done that with those who have committed "little trespasses" against me - and it works. It absolutely works. And. . . . honestly, I have tried praying for a couple of people who treated me in brutal and even criminal ways in years past, those who wreaked havoc in my very soul, but I can't seem to get the words out and I eventually just stop trying. It seems the disdain and contempt is always hiding way down deep and just the mere mention of a name or simply seeing them from a distance stirs it all up again until it begins to seep into my thoughts and I'm reminded of horrible things. I know that's Satan. I know Satan gets a thrill every time I allow that to happen. I know it saddens my Lord when I allow that to happen. It's just the most difficult obstacle in my Christian life I've ever had to deal with and I want to get past this. I really want to forgive and let go of my past. I want to be able to hear the name/names or see the person/persons without letting those gut-wrenching emotions build up again. God knows that and He's tried to help me overcome this for years, but I -for this reason and that reason and every other reason I can concoct- have refused to let Him take control of this stumbling block in my life. I know whatever I do for the Lord is useless, it's trash, without forgiveness for each and every person who has hurt me. I have to admit that those acts committed against me were no worse than sins I have committed against God in the past. My sins were so ugly and I was held so tightly in Satan's grasp at one point in my life, but Jesus Christ still forgave me. Every time I sin, I know I can run back to Him and His arms are open wide, ready to embrace me. His forgiveness is supernatural, yes. I am human, oh my yes. But, through Christ, we can have supernatural love and forgiveness for one another that can come only through trusting in Him. We can't do it through our humanness. . . . . but we can do it through Him. . . . . "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:13 . . . . How can we love if we don't forgive?

Today I begin the road to forgiveness. It might be a long trip, but I'm no longer going to argue with God and make excuses. I Am His and He Is Mine and through Him I can accomplish the previously-perceived "unimaginable" task of forgiving all. I'm so looking forward to the day when my heart can start softening toward those who I've held bitterness and anger against for so long. It will happen, He has promised. I just have to do my part and allow it to happen. With God in control, it's as much as accomplished already! I've given it to God and I will stay in closer communication with Him so I won't be tempted to take it back. I won't allow Satan to put thoughts into my head that will cause me to take a wrong turn and go backwards. Jesus is in control - Satan, you have no choice but to leave me alone! God has not suggested that I forgive, He hasn't "dared" me to forgive . . . . He has boldly and justly and lovingly ordered me to forgive. I WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT! Period.

What I Know

I'm not a scholar. I never even completed college. There are a lot of things I don't know. But - I do know the most important things that anybody could ever know. . . . . .

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is real.
I know he sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die a brutal death to cover my sins.
I know Jesus saved my life and because of Him I will have everlasting life when I leave this earth.
I know Jesus is with me every second of every day.

I know my life would be vastly different had I not accepted Him as my Savior.
I know without Him I would not have the promise of a home in Heaven.
I know because of what He did for me, I'll see Him face to face one day and He'll greet me with a hug!!!
I know I'll see my mom and my sweet friend, Beverly, again!

I  know Jesus gives me peace that surpasses anything that anyone else can provide.
I know what it really means to be free!
I know how it feels to have complete peace in my soul, even in times of heartache and trouble.
I know when others let me down or turn their backs on me, He never has and never will.

I know I did nothing to deserve his Amazing Grace: He gave it to me as a gift because He loves me so much.
I know I could never repay Him for that gift that caused him so much pain and agony and ultimately His life.
I know I want to serve Him in this life and in eternity because of that Gift!
I know I've never regretted turning to Jesus and I never will regret asking Him into my heart.

I know it's not always convenient or politically correct to be a Christian and outwardly proclaim my devotion to Him . . .
But, I know He's worth any criticism and persecution that is directed toward me.
I know any ridicule I have suffered in the past or will endure in the future doesn't come close to what He endured for me.

I know I've let Him down so many times. . .
I know I will undoubtedly fail Him in the future . . .
But, I know I'll feel deeply burdened when that happens and
I know His Still Small Voice will guide me back to Him.

I know He is mine and I am His.
I know He'll never throw me away and I'll always be in His Hand.
I know I never had lasting peace and contentment before I bowed before Him for mercy
and relinquished  my life to Him.

I know HE IS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN, HE IS EVERLASTING LIFE.
I know there are those reading this now who are searching for lasting peace and satisfaction in everything imaginable in this life, but to no avail.
I know what it's like looking for happiness in the wrong places, finding it temporarily, and then hitting rock bottom again, time after time. . .
I know happiness is but for a season, joy is eternal.

I know True and Lasting Joy comes through Jesus Christ and Him alone.
I know how it feels to be alone in the dark, to feel so afraid, so sad, so helpless and hopeless.
I know how it feels to be with lots of people and still feel completely alone and empty.
I know that I am praying that everyone who reads this will come to Jesus and know the same Peace and Joy that I found 34 years ago and that I still have today.

I know that by simply calling out His Name . . . . Jesus . . . . there is a stirring in every heart.
I know that anyone who simply whispers The Sweet Name, The Name Above All Names, JESUS . . . will feel that stirring in their heart.
I know if you know Him as your Savior, the name of Jesus fills your soul with awe and overwhelming joy.
I know if you don't know Him, just the mention of His name will stir you with His convicting power.

I know if you simply ask Him, He'll cleanse the life-stains from your heart and will fill it with indescribable love, joy, and peace like you've never had before.
I know Jesus loves you and He desires more than anything that you'll come to Him.
I know you'll never regret trusting Jesus.

I know a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the most crucial and life-giving one you can have.
I know none of us are promised another day or even another breath.
I know tomorrow will be too late for too many.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son
That whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

*****If you're reading this and have questions or doubts about any of this, please get in touch with me. God got my attention in a huge way when I was 19 years old and I'll be so glad to share my story with you. When I think of others out there, possibly you, having turmoil and anxiety and total emptiness in their souls, it makes my heart very heavy for you. I know what it's like and I know the remedy for that: Jesus Christ and Him alone. I am a sinner saved by Grace and this I know without a single doubt. If you have questions or just need to talk about any of this, email me at surama@windstream.net.

What Heaven Looks Like . . .

How do I begin? I have so much in my heart . . . I'll just begin by saying Beverly McGuire was one of the best friends I've ever had in my entire life, possibly THE best friend I've had on this earth. One of the last blogs I wrote was in November 2009 about this tremendous woman of faith (What Faith Looks Like) which gave the background of how we became friends years ago and how her journey with declining health began. I won't recap all of that but will try to start where I left off three years ago. So, I'll warn you ahead of time - this blog will most likely be lengthy. I'll try to summarize as best I can, but it's difficult for me not to get too detailed when it comes to something or someone so very precious to me. And Beverly Jo McGuire's friendship was a treasured gift I'll always hold in a very special place in my heart. The following paragraphs are going to be no doubt all over the place, jumping from topic to topic and from three years ago to three days ago. I apologize for that. It's the best I can do at this time. As memories and inspirational quotes from Beverly pop into my head, I'll write about it. This is as much a personal diary for myself as it is for anyone who might choose to read about my "adventures with Beverly". Here we go . . .

Beverly made me want to be a better person - Just being around her was an inspirational experience. Jesus was all over her - You could see Him in her eyes. She always knew when something was not exactly right with me, when something was bothering me. When she became ill, even a few days before the Lord called her Home, she could read me like a book. I believe it was this past Sunday night at the hospital. I'd helped Bev up for a few minutes and had just gotten her back into bed. She was completely exhausted after getting up, but in between her labored breaths she said, "Is everything okay?" I tried to assure her that everything was just hunky dory and told her everything was fine. But, in the typical Beverly fashion, she pressed on. "How's Kelli?" I assured her Kelli is doing great. She one by one went through the family: "Is Blake okay? Is your Dad okay? Is Kristi okay?" I again told her everything was fine. But, she could just tell. I never fibbed to Beverly because she knew me too well. I didn't want to fib to her, but she was in such a fragile state and I certainly didn't want to add anything to that. I had no choice, however, but to tell her what was going on at that time - a family member having medical tests done and there was some concern from the doctor that it could be serious. Beverly said, "I knew there was something I needed to be praying about". I told her these health issues with family members seemed to be happening all at once but that we just get up every morning and face another day and do what we need to do. Beverly's response was (I'm trying to word it exactly how she said it) "That's exactly what we all have to do - get up each morning and face a new day and just look forward to our Perfect Day" . . . . She paused a second and then said, "Susan, mine's coming soon". I hugged her and we cried together.

Beverly was the ultimate optimist. Making lemonade from lemons was one of her many gifts. It was impossible to be down and out in Beverly's presence. If you were having a bad day going, you were uplifted leaving. About a year ago, Beverly and I were coming back from a doctor's appointment when she shared with me that she felt she needed to do a Bible study on Heaven, but she wasn't exactly sure about the details. I was very excited about it and I relayed to her that she definitely should pursue that. She told me at that time that it wasn't that she had any kind of special perspective on Heaven or insight to Heaven. She made it clear that it was to help her prepare for what was to come and she wanted others to share that with her through a Bible study. She began to get emotional and said she wanted to be "okay" with leaving her friends and family behind and moving on to Heaven. She said she wanted to "yearn for Heaven" instead of wanting to stay here with all of us. She thought an indepth Bible study on Heaven would possibly help her do that. She conducted a "Heaven" study with a small group of people at Antioch church shortly after that. I believe it was a six-week study and it was awesome. I believe every person in that room received a huge blessing from that study and it made it even more special because Beverly was in charge of it.

Beverly loved to come out to relax in our pool. Some of our best heart to heart talks have been while floating around on air mattresses in the pool. Last spring 2011 we were "chilling out" and just having some relaxation time in the pool when a thundershower suddenly came up. It started raining very slightly but quickly turned into a downpour. We jumped out of the pool, grabbed our towels, and sat on the swing under the awning. IT WAS LITERALLY POURING!!! We giggled like two little girls. The rain kept coming down loudly for a long time, but we were warm and dry under the swing awning wrapped in our towels. The rain finally lightened up to a steady spring shower and Bev started talking about how very relaxed she was right then. We sat there quietly for awhile, just swinging and listening to the rain. Suddenly the awning over the swing could no longer hold the amount of rain that had been barreling down and collapsed right on top of us! Bev and I looked like drowned rats. After jumping up and squealing, we looked at each other and laughed until we hurt. Buddy had been observing us from the kitchen window and got a laugh out of it too! . . . . . Just one of those silly, precious memories with Beverly that I doubt I'll ever forget.

My relationship with Beverly was always one that I thanked God for frequently. I always tell God that I don't understand why He would bestow such a blessing on me, but I'm so very thankful that He did. She was such a woman of character and morality and faith and everything that a Christian should be. She amazed me on a regular basis for 23 years! If I'm a fraction of the lady she was, I think I'll be doing okay. Like I've said many times over the years, Beverly makes me want to be a better person. She was always ALWAYS thinking about everyone else. Even a couple of hours before she took her last breath, she was still worrying about everyone else. That was who she was.

Early Sunday morning Beverly became very nauseated and needed more Phenergan. The nurse came in with the medicine but couldn't get it to go into the port. She tried and tried, still no progress. She decided the port was clogged and told Beverly she was going to have to flush it. That didn't work either. The nurse tried to maneuver the needle and it became very uncomfortable for Bev. She was obviously in distress. I went to the other side of Bev and held her hand and helplessly tried to make it all better for her. Beverly looked straight into my eyes and said, "How is Kelli doing?" In a moment of extreme discomfort and sickness, she was still thinking about others. After the problem with the port was solved, which turned into a major ordeal and took over an hour to correct, Beverly began to relax and sleep. As I sat there, the enormity of what had just happened began to soak in. It was then I discovered Beverly's secret for dealing with unpleasant situations: When life throws seemingly unbearable situations or circumstances at you, concentrate on others and not yourself. Simple and profound all at the same time! . . . . Just one of the many life lessons I've been taught by Beverly.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime. Beverly knew about the big mistakes I'd made, except for one. This one was so huge I always worried that if she knew she would look at me in a different light. The thought of Beverly feeling differently toward me was overwhelming. Of course, I should've known better. Beverly was true blue, a friend no matter what. I just never wanted to risk a glitch in our close friendship by revealing to her the ugliest part of my past. For the past 30+ years, only my husband knew. Within the past year, I shared it with my children (after going through counseling). The two ladies who counseled with me have become dear friends. So, there were only six people on this earth that knew that part about me. At the end of weeks of counseling, it was strongly suggested by one of the counselors that I share my story with my dear friend, Beverly. They knew how important she was to me and how I cherished our friendship. The thought of telling her literally made me ill. But, I knew in my heart it needed to be done. I'd always felt that I was keeping a huge secret from Beverly and that made me feel very guilty for years. I knew I had to talk to her because she deserved to know. I prayed about it for several weeks, asking God to give me courage. I knew if Beverly pulled away from our friendship because of it that it was just a cross I would have to bear. But, I had to tell her everything.

I started leading up to what I needed to talk to Bev about very gradually. One day I told her I really needed to talk to her about something. She looked at me very curiously and said, "Well, okay. . ." My heart was about to jump out of my chest and I got cold feet. I told her I needed to talk to her when we had more time. For the next few weeks she would ask me, "Do you need to talk to me yet".  I tried so many times, but I just could not get the words out. So, I printed out my book version of my story and took it to Beverly. I told her that it was long and intense and I would just leave it with her to read at her convenience. She took the story from my hand, looked at me very intensely and said, "Are you okay?" I told her I just hoped that her opinion of me didn't change after she read my story and I began to cry. She hugged me tightly as I cried and told me that she loved me and that nothing could ever change that. She said, "We're family, Susan - you can tell me anything". I left her house feeling a little better but still unsure of what Bev's response would be.

That night Beverly called me and said she'd read story. She was crying. She told me she wanted to wait until the next day and come to my house to talk to me, but she just felt she needed to call me and not wait. She said she was giving me a hug "through the phone line". I told her I could feel it. We both giggled a little. I'm not ready to share the words, the very wise words, Beverly said to me that night. I know without a doubt God had told Beverly exactly what to say. That burden I'd carried all those years about keeping the "big secret" from Beverly was lifted that night on the phone. If only we had more Beverlys in the world . . .

Last October I was blessed by being in the company of six very special people in my life at a very special occasion. Beverly was one of those special people. She was feeling very ill that day, but she was there with her sweet comforting smile and her "Beverly hug". That day was probably one of the sweetest days in my entire life.  Thank you, Beverly.

Sunday evening Buddy walked into the hospital and I told him to let Beverly know he was there, even though she had her eyes closed and was resting. I knew she would want to know he was there. I told her that Buddy was there and he walked over so she could see him. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and she said, "Buddy, sing!" Buddy looked at me like he didn't know what to do and I told him she wanted him to sing so he needed to sing. I asked Bev what she would like for Buddy to sing. Without hesitation she said, "Sweet By and By". Buddy looked a bit worried and mouthed to me, "I don't know all the words". I told him I knew the first first and I would help him quietly. I basically was only moving my mouth, distinctly mouthing the words, and Buddy pretty much just read my lips. Buddy quietly sang and Beverly closed her eyes with that oh-so-sweet smile. He finished the one verse I could remember and Beverly said, "Well, that was nice but it was too short". She told Buddy that if he couldn't remember the words that she thought she had a hymnal in the drawer. I was looking for the hymnal when Marla Hill walked in and told us Roy would be there after church was over. Since there was no hymnal in the hospital room to be found, Marla said she would get Roy to bring one with him from church. When Roy arrived, we had church in Bev's hospital room! And when I say we had church, I mean WE HAD CHURCH! Beverly told them what songs she wanted to hear them sing and they sang every one she requested. The last one was Amazing Grace and Beverly actually sang a few words with them on that one. It was like a little piece of Heaven on earth. The Holy Spirit was present in a huge way - a sweet, sweet time with our sweet, sweet Beverly. After Amazing Grace had been sung, it was obvious that Beverly was becoming very tired. Bro. Roy said we'd have prayer, starting with him and ending with Buddy. I believe there were eight of us present. We all joined hands. Marla and I were holding Beverly's hands. When I finished my short prayer, I waited for Marla to start her prayer. . . . but, it wasn't Marla's voice we heard then - it was Beverly's! In her very weakened state, after only being able to mumble words very weakly for several days, Beverly prayed the most awe-inspiring prayer I've ever heard - very strongly, very clearly proclaiming her love for Jesus and thanking Him for everything He's done for her and praying for all of us. I know she prayed for at least five minutes, very strongly. After Marla and Buddy prayed, we all began to wipe our tears and share with each other how blessed we all were by that service and mostly by Beverly's prayer.

There are so many more stories, but I'm going to end with this one which has to be shared. Yesterday, July 10, my daughters and I were in the room with Bev with several other people. My two daughters, Kristi and Kelli, were sitting within eye range of Beverly. Marla said to Beverly, "Kristi and Kelli are here to see you". Beverly opened her eyes very wide and looked over at the two girls. They gave her a little wave and Beverly lifted her arm up and waved back before falling back to sleep. What a special moment for Kristi and Kelli. They each had the opportunity to quietly speak to Beverly and tell her things they wanted only her to hear. I doubt either one of them will ever forget "Ms. McGuire" giving them her final wave. Within only a couple of hours, she would take her last breath.

There's no doubt Beverly is singing in the heavenly choir. She always did have an angelic voice! Thank you, Beverly, for your friendship and for the many lessons you taught me over the years about how to truly live life to its fullest. I love you, sister. I'll see you later!